Another story up

Another story up

I’ve added another story to my Writing page – something I wrote a while ago that started life as a comic script, and then I rewrote it as prose or whatever. I’ve broken it up into six easy to read parts with links in-between.

I’ve realised that I seem to write a lot of steampunk stuff into my stories sometimes that kinda sits there for flavour, but isn’t really important to the plot. The story is called The Hunter General, and it’s set on a airship in a world (or maybe a single area, I never did decide) where the only land around is these giant floating atolls – and, just so we’re all clear, this isn’t actually relevant. I just wanted floating islands when I wrote it.

Eh, enjoy anyway… Part 1. I may write more of it if someone actually takes notice and decides they can’t live without reading more.

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4 comments on “Another story upAdd yours →

  1. Hmm, for some reason reader hasn’t been sending me your latest updates. Odd.
    Anyway – I enjoyed the story. One thing bugged me – you said the incarnate grew to 80ft. There is no way it’d be able to fit through a door into the engine room, and unless the airship was absolutely massive, I imagine its weight would capsize it.
    Apart from that, I really enjoyed it. It’s leading up to a great character driven story, where we get to see more of the two sides of Elise (competent hunter and philanthropist) and to see Jericho go from inept to kicking ass.
    One suggestion I’d make is to watch your passive voice. Like:
    “She had been walking along the upper deck.” I see no reason not to have: she walked along the upper deck.
    or
    “There were small groups of people here and there, chatting quietly or admiring the view.” could be: small groups of people chatted quietly or admired the view.

  2. Where does it say 80 ft? That should be 8. I checked again there, and I can’t find the typo – help please?

    Also, yes, yes, passive voice, you’ve poked me before about that. 😛 I wrote this at least five years ago, before I had you to proofread my stuff. I don’t want to edit it now that’s it’s up in all its weird glory.

    I can’t remember where I was going with this story initially. I think I just found the contrast between the characters interesting, like – young, able-bodied, privileged man vs sixty year old woman with a cane, and she’s the one who eats monsters for breakfast.

    Yeah. I liked writing Lady du Moine. There’s a whole backstory somewhere on my hard drive for her. One thing that kinda bothered me is that fantasy stories have characters like Gandalf, who are ostensibly old men using their years of training and experience to kick ass, but no old women. (Terry Pratchett is one exception, but he defies just about every norm there is and we love him for it.) When I got the idea for the story, I decided that the two main characters would be monster hunters in the style of Van Helsing or whatever (very masculine profession), but that the competent one should be an old woman, an aristocrat with impeccable manners whose age made her more powerful rather than less.

    Jericho is more of a cliche. I mean, he’s there to be a foil to Elise, to react in more normal ways to huge monsters appearing out of nowhere, but as a character he’s a lot weaker. More of a stereotypical spoiled bratty rich kid, or something. He needs a lot of development.

  3. Hey Claire

    Enjoyed story…felt I wanted to know more about this society, its setting, and what the creatures entailed, so thats a good start. There were a few small things however, that I thought could be improved as I found the narrative was a little tricky to understand at times. Ok here goes: On occasion I found that the pronoun wasn’t specified close enough to the action, leading to slight confusion over who was performing said action, for example :
    “The creature spat blood as he shot from the hip and hit it in the face.”
    “And again the echoes were discordant and weird, the power of it throwing them around the room in strange ways.”
    Here I wasn’t quite sure of exactly whether the creature was shooting from the hip, and exactly what power was affecting the people.

    Also, you use the present continuous “but he was already catching his balance and bringing the barrel around to bear on its chest.”, when a past simple
    ” he caught his balance” would have been clearer, I think the PC is typically used to describe something which is happening, just as something new happens. For example: “he was just catching his balance when suddenly something bad happened etc etc”. So when I was reading your sentence, I was expecting something else to be occurring at the same time, and when it didn’t, I found that a bit jarring.

    Finally, you seem to have your female character tutting a lot. I know she is meant to be rather disapproving of certain things, but its such an unusual habit that its quite noticeable when you do it more than once. Also it didn’t endear me to her, I thought she just seemed like a whiny bitch, and surely a practised assassin who purportedly has such great control and power would focus on the here and now, rather than the petty details on the peripheral?

    Otherwise, keep it up Claire. Perhaps submitting these to a steampunky community might be worth doing, as they have a real taste for the genre, which I don’t.

  4. Thanks Yvonne 😛 Yeah, see Ria’s comment – bad habit of mine, which will hopefully be eradicated by the time I get to querying. And I need to make sure I edit for clarity, because what makes sense to me as I write it isn’t always what makes sense to a reader.

    About Elise and how she tuts, and how she looks at petty details – that was meant to convey the fact that this is pretty much all old hat to her. It’s her job, the same one she’s been doing for decades at this point. A contrast or something, because Jericho is 100% in the moment and terrified out of his mind.

    Bleargh. Maybe I didn’t get that right. Still, NO EDITS ALLOWED. 😀

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